sand 12/31/2004

You mentioned something to the effect that you feel that you’re just beginning to learn who I am all over
So am I.
I’ve spent the past 8 years trying to rebuild myself and become the person that I always thought I wanted to
be, and in many ways I have been successful. In many ways I have not. Something, like sand in one’s shoe,
has grated on me. I have tried so hard be the creature of the light, that I have imprisoned a part of me and
left myself out of balance. As a result, I have done myself a disservice and that darker part of me has grown
restless, resentful…It has been resurfacing. I can not deny it’s existence. I am struggling half in light, half
in darkness, and trying to find a balance.
We’ve discussed my emotional being. I don’t think that I’ve completely imprisoned that part of me, only
hobbled certain aspects of it. I think you know me to be a compassionate, intense, deeply passionate person
on many levels. I have expressed emotion in many, many ways, and embraced it, too, many times in the
time that we’ve known each other. But in terms of romantic emotion I have practically stilled myself, and
that, understandably, grates at you like the same sand, only, likely, in greater volume, and you now feel the
need to empty your shoes.
I’ve traveled through a dark night of the soul before, but it seemed a twilight, in retrospect, a mere shadow
of the night through which I now pass, still clinging to the light that has blessed me over the past 8 years.
This time, I enter with less trepidation, more hope for the new day that I know approaches.
I can not relenquish the light, but I can no longer deny the darkness. The ensuing confusion has left me a
bit befuddled, and I’m sorry for the discomfort that has caused you.
My faith, my vision, my very being are going through a time of upheaval and reconfiguration. I think it’s a
necessary transformation in order for me to experience further growth. I’d grown a bit stagnant, too static,
of late. I’m redefining myself once again. I know who I have been, who I’ve wanted to be, and understand
much of what lies within myself, but I am at the threshold of a new understanding of myself, and faced with
the daunting task of defining that understanding for myself. It is within my power, and my power alone, to
choose my purpose, to choose my being, to define myself, once again. I am struggling with the magnitude
of the task set before me. I’ve entered a new dawn of creative energy, but am still adjusting my eyes to
that dawn, still wondering where it will take me, still wondering where I will choose to wander within the
day that comes, with a new sun, yes, but new shadows, as well, that I will no longer ignore, but embrace
wholeheartedly in order to find a true balance and be more completely myself.

It really sucks when:
You’ve known someone for four years and grown closer and closer with them.
And they’ve expressed over and over how much they love you and they’ve begged you to let them in,
but you’ve held back because,
well, because you’ve got issues, walls, scars…
Huge, ominous fortifications, built over a long life of painful relationships.
You’ve eschewed such relationships for a long time. You’ve enjoyed the solace of solitude
behind those walls. It’s been safe. Secure.
But you’ve decided, finally, to commence the painful and ominous task of scratching
away those barriers and walls.
Against your better judgement and in the face of untold pain
you scrape away, because this person has, like the rains that patiently wear down the mountains,
worked her way under your skin.
You commence this work and it rips your heart out, but you do it.
You do it because you can’t escape the nagging feeling that you SHOULD do it.
That, perhaps, finally, you were wrong to build those walls so carefully and so thick
and so impenetrable…
That THIS one IS different…that’s she’s earned the right to enter.
You endeavour to improve your behaviour, to allow yourself to be tender,
to feel passion, to release that passion, to give of yourself that which you’ve reserved for
years, priceless…
Only to find that at the moment when you’ve decided to try and tear these walls down,
to let this person in,
to become vulnerable.
That this person hasn’t stopped pursuing other love interests.
That, perhaps, she’s incapable of fidelity.
That you’re just another notch in her netted belt.
It makes you angry and bitter.
You want to fortify the walls, instead.
You rush to mix the mortar and rebuild with every scrap you’ve scraped away.
You want to return to the solace of your solitude.
You want to tell her to take her fat, big-mouthed, polyamorous ass to Hell, you do.
You don’t need anyone.
You need to not need anyone.

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